


Torchwood of the Caribbean

by ShawnMorgan



Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies), Torchwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-05-13 18:06:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5711980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShawnMorgan/pseuds/ShawnMorgan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Jack Harkness, after a malfunction with his Vortex manipulator fouls up a return journey, lands on the Black Pearl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Totally Time Travelled

Prologue

“I think there's been some kind of mistake,” said Captain Jack Harkness. He had his hands held up, palms out in the usually much understood gesture of surrender. Right now though he just hoped that the tradition of Parley had started before the Seventeenth century and these two incredibly dangerous looking women didn't push the tips of their drawn swords right through him.

“It’s your mistake sorcerer, but before we end you, tell us your name so we can carve it into the mast with all the others.” The short dark curly haired woman spoke with a recognisable Welsh accent. Jack knew it well, and he knew this woman’s descendant well. The ‘Chronal Form Repetition’ just kept happening. Gwen Cooper’s family likeness seemed like its very own fixed point in time.

That’s the last time I do U.N.I.T. a favour, and spend ten thousand years in a containment unit waiting for the prisoner to show up, and then have him(s) rescue herself. It should have been back to base for tea and biscuits, with Ianto for supper. But nooooo… The pay off for me ends up being the Vortex manipulator to drop me here of all places. Ah well, at least they’re both wearing low cut pirate outfits.

With that morale boosting thought, Jack tried something. “They say that names have power right? And that if a sorcerer has your name, then killing him makes your very soul bound to him?”

“Aye,’ said the stunningly attractive Japanese woman who had the other sword pressed to him. ‘But you would be truly a fool if you thought we’d give you our names. Now Li-”

“Gwendoline Cooper and Toshiko Sato, You work for me.” With that he placed his hands on the blades and parted them ostentatiously. The women’s eyes widened with awe and fear, and they bowed their heads slightly before slowly looking up.

“Your name please my lord?” asked Toshiko.

“It’s Jack, but you can call me Captain.” 

“Oh shit," said Gwen, "not another one.”


	2. Pirates and Perverts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Jack Sparrow Meets Sontarans. Then things get a little strange.

Chapter One

Captain Jack Sparrow was grinning for his life: Again. He'd turned around a corner, making to leave this ancient temple after locating the goblet of the Gold King, and found himself staring at strange little men who were leveling strange weapons at him. How he knew they were weapons was quite simple: These ugly little spits of men looked like they’d spotted someone running off with their worldly possessions (which to be fair was something Captain Jack Sparrow had no problem doing), and those pistols -were that what they be, were leveled at him.

“Gentlemen,’ Captain Jack smiled, ‘I probably deserve whatever it is that you’re about to do, but before you do it, is there anyway that I can convince you, that I don't deserve it, and convince you instead come to a mutually beneficial deal?” He smiled at them hopefully.

“I am general Cheef and you, prisoner, are Captain Jack!”

The reprobate sailor wondered, a smile on his face. ”Ah, so you’ve heard of me then.”

*

The troupe of Sontarans and their dozy looking captee moved out of the jungle and onto a large beach. Jack could see the Pearl in the waters beyond, right where he’d left her.

“But I’m Captain Jack Sparrow mate.” He insisted.

“We know who you are, giving a false name will not endear you to me. And will make the trip much more uncomfortable for your weakened spinal structure.”

Jack gave the Sontaran leader a questioning look, but stopped speaking for the moment.

“You will be ta-”

“Sir,’ the words were barely spoken and Cheef was already locked on with his eyes as the other Sontaran continued, ‘I regret my interruption, but the temporal tracker has detected a disturbance only registered by 51st century personnel.’ The speaker pointed in the direction of the Black Pearl. ‘It is coming from that ship over there!”

“Very good. You have done well to inform me of this.’ General Cheef in true Sontaran tradition, raised his weapon and aimed at the reporting soldier. “But your insubordination shall be accounted for.”

There was a brief flash of recognition on the Sontaran soldier’s face that echoed the red flash that incinerated him. Cheef looked at the dissipating ash and energy, as the scanner dropped from when it had been held. Cheef then picked up the tracker as the rest of his men waited. 

“The fool was right” He bellowed before turning back to face the pirate. “This is not Captain Jack Harkness, but Sally Sparrow's ancestor!”

There was a murmur of confusion (Jack Sparrow most of all), and Jack pointed past the Sontarans, his eyes widening in feigned fright. “What is that?!”

The little tanned men all turned to face the horizon, and in turn- the split second distraction was all Jack need to do a one-eighty sprint away. In under a second he was yards away and into the foliage for cover. 

Captain Jack Sparrow raced off down the beach. 

* * *

Aboard the Black pearl, Gwen and Tosh were sulking after having being tricked by Captain Jack, when they saw red lightning, closely followed by the deafening roar of thunder.

This raised eyebrows from the pair. “Gwen, do you think the captain’s in trouble?"

“I'm always in trouble.” An American drawl was their answer.

“Not you, the other one.”

“I bet it's the same answer either way.” Gwen pursed her lips (which Harkness thought was simply adorable). “We'd best go rescue him from himself: Again.”

“Do we have to?” Tosh said in a falsely plaintive tone.

Gwen was about to answer with an equally flippant remark when a voice cried out from the Crow's Nest. Owen Harper's voice sounded, “They're gaining on him!' There was a moment of tense activity among the crew, 'No, wait- they lost him!"

Gwen and Tosh shared a questioning glance.

"Wait- They’ve caught up again! Shite... Now they're burning him alive...”

“What?!” Gwen finally looked up in shock at the seventeenth century’s Owen Harper.

Owen sneered down. “...Or at least they will have, if you two bloody putas don't go and get him. And I mean sharpish!”

Gwen glared at Owen, not appreciating his traditional creativity, even as she conceded he had a good point. Snarling at him, and not wanting to delay, she raced over to the side of the Pearl, and launched herself over the side into the long boat.

With practiced ease she readied the launch, winching the boat down and unlocking its oars, with Tosh moving to assist, the action of each woman flowing seamlessly together.

The one thing that caused them mild trouble was the weight of the longboat. It briefly resisted their efforts, although it was obvious it would go eventually. The launch time was shortened though by the act of Captain Jack (no, the other one...).

With a deft leap, he landed in the boat and hauled on the seaward side of it in order to accelerate the process. “Where’s the rest of the crew?” Asked Jack Harkness, wondering why the only two setting out were Gwen and Tosh.

“Long story of sabotaged boats, swag-led crew, and stolen charters." Gwen growled, “Not to mention, cursed by sea goddesses, so the answer is basically the rest of the crew is downstairs and he’s asleep. Launch now, talk about that later.” Gwen gave the time travelling American a dour expression Jack could only describe as, ‘Welsh’.

Jack settled himself in and grinned, “In that case ladies, I’m ready to go when you are!” His smile put Gwen in mind of sharks, with so many shiny teeth on display.

At the same time this was happening, Owen Harper was shimmying down from out of the Crow's nest and taking position at the ship's wheel.

Gwen nodded at him. “Mister Harper, you have the Helm. Keep her safe.” Her irritation at his earlier remark was still there, Harkness could easily tell, but she wasn’t letting it bother her now.

“Aye Captain.” Owen Harper also slid into his role, knowing when to be professional, every bit as much as he knew when he could be an ass. Jack smiled: It seemed almost like Cardiff.

Seconds later, both women clambered into the boat. Jack was suddenly glad of his vantage point as Gwen had her back to him. As soon as she sat down and produce a small telescope, Gwen started giving orders. A quick look in Jack's direction let him know that she knew what he'd just been looking at. Then she smiled at him. 

Captain Jack blinked (no, I still mean the American one…). Some things were different between the Gwen of ‘then’ and ‘his’ Gwen then.

“Tosh, keep an eye out for our errant captain.” Gwen Cooper rattled out her orders "My lord sorcerer, take the oars and row.”

Jack was surprised how much sarcasm Gwen could get into three words. Oh that's right, she's Welsh. Out loud he said: “Oh? Why me?”

“Compare the two of us a minute boyo. And when you’re done, get rowing.”

Now it really feels like I'm working with Gwendoline Cooper. Thought Harkness.

* * *

These strange spits of men would not give up chasing him, even as his boots splashed through the water. Captain Jack wondered about the little trolls’ motto as it echoed through the air: Sontar Ha! Sontar Ha!

The war cry kept going and it was getting tiresome to hear. The pirate almost wished they'd shoot his ears off just so he didn't have to listen to it anymore.

More importantly, he wondered if swimming for that long-boat heading for shore was a wise course of action. Maybe it was half the crew coming to rescue him? After all a longboat that size needed two on the oars.

Jack’s wonderment was cut short as red light zinged past him.

“Bugger.” He exclaimed as their shots flashed in on him, burning the sand to glass. He flitted back and forth giving them a tough target to hit. One of the shots caught the sand under his feet, and he lost his footing. 

Jack controlled his stumble, and dropped into the shallow water; where he subsequently had his nose caught by a crab's pincers.

“We have him now!” A Sontaran voice echoed... Jack desperately pried the crab from his nose and hauled it at one of the Sontarans. He saw several of them scatter, and the look of shock on one of them as the small potato-man received what could only be described as a flying pincer movement. 

Captain Jack Sparrow took this opportunity of a reprieve and with a deep gulp of air, scuttled to sea. Sure he’d been dead before, but it was not an experience he wanted to repeat.

*

“Bosun Sato, can you see what's going on?”

“Yes, First Mate. Some sort of midget-men aimed their lightning pistols at Jack, and then one of them caught crabs from our captain... er, let me rephrase that...”

I'm feeling more at home with these guys every second, Thought Captain Jack Harkness.

*

His lungs bursting for air, Captain Jack Sparrow had to surface. He got a sweet gulp of air as he broke from the depths, with the wind being knocked out of him as he also hit his head on the side of a boat. It just so happened this boat contained his rescuers. Tosh and Gwen hauled him out of the water with modest effort and modest embarrassment.

“Thanks for the rescue loves. Now row for your lives.” 

“Rowing.” said Captain Jack Harkness, then smiling, nodded to the pirate.

“Thanks mate, but I've not had the pleasure of your acquaintance?" 

“Captain Jack.” 

“So you've heard of me. And you are?”

“I just said. Captain Jack. And the pleasure’s all mine.”

“You're supposed to put your name in that sentence before saying my name again.”

The American smiled. “I see why you’re confused. Allow me to inform you you're not the only Captain Jack in existence. Hello, I'm Captain Jack Harkness.” 

“You're Captain Jack.” Said Captain Jack, looking at Captain Jack, realisation finally dawning.

"Yes, and so is my wife Brian." Captain Jack Harkness grinned at his piratical counterpart.

“Huh?” This came in unison from everyone else in the boat.

Note to self, Captain Harkness my boy, the seventeenth century is too soon for Monty Python references… 

Multiple flashes of red light zipped past them, reminding them all that the enemy was still around at which point they took oar to sea, and made all-haste. Jack Harkness grimaced as the Sontarans’ shots flashed close by. Time seemed to slow then, as the immortal man spied the aims of the Potato heads.

Jack Harkness didn't think, and acted immediately, putting himself between the fatal red beams and Gwen. The red energy skitted across his chest, and dissipated. The impact knocked his body into her chest.

“Sorcerer!” Jack heard Gwen cry out in shock as he slumped over her legs, and he felt the onset of death coming to greet him like an old insidious friend. He tried to smile though, there were worse positions to die in: And he should know. 

*

“General Cheef! The targets are escaping! How do we retrieve them?”

“Link suits, take position to keep me afloat, then we swim after them!

*

They carried his body onto the deck of the Pearl, having been hoisted aboard. Gwen knelt down by the body, crossing Jack’s arms in proper repose.

“He saved me and I don’t know who he is.”

"Wouldn't mind if you got to know me better." Said the corpse.

Jack Sparrow pursed his lips and then shrugged. “Mr. Corpse. Explain yourself.” 

 

* * *

“Our suits are linked sir!

“For the glory of Sontar; Ad-vance! Breaststroke at the double!”

 

* * *

 

“Sorcery eh?” Said Captain Jack Sparrow.

“Something like that.” Replied Captain Jack Harkness.

“Right then,’ said Sparrow his eyes narrowing, ‘So not actually sorcery, but something else. Do I need Rum for this?“

“You need Rum for everything.” Said Gwen Cooper.

“So, I do need more Rum then. Thanks for that Gwen.”

Gwen’s eye narrowed then she shot Captain Jack Harkness an impatient look. He knew it well. 

The American scowled, “Fine, it's science but from a time in your future, with advancements that would make no sense to you, like the way the Sontarans back there had laser rifles that collect light and turn that light into lethal ammo.” As he had only just come back from the dead, Jack Harkness was short tempered and deliberately sarcastic.

Gwen Cooper looked at him, her face a mix of emotions: Repulsion, relief, embarrassment and last but by no means least, scorn. She overcame her repulsion to help him up. “I don't like being talked to like a child, but I am very grateful to you. And I am relieved that your foul sorcery saved you some how”

He went to say something else but was pulled gently out of the way by Toshiko, who knelt down by him and locked eyes. She asked, “Are you serious?”

From anyone else here, Jack Harkness would take that as sarcasm but there was a look in the Japanese beauty's eyes that he knew well. The glint of her ferocious intelligence, the desire for knowledge. He bit back a sarcastic retort of his own and composed himself.

Smiling he said. “Yes it's all true. You may have read some of the legends of King Arthur, where Merlin is trapped until he can be freed, and nothing but the might of god send him back to his own time?

Her lips curled up. “I've read similar but I'm an atheist. Why? are you about to tell me you've met Merlin the great wizard who travels through time and puts wrongs right, sticking his nose in everywhere?”

“No, I'm... “Jack paused, realising something and answered... “Actually now I stop to think on it, I just might have...' he shook his head, 'but that's its own story.”

“Please go on.”

He did, and although Tosh frowned at some words, she followed skillfully, absorbing strange new knowledge. At the end, she jumped up and hugged and Kissed Gwen full on, ecstatic at learning strange new things, and having something new and interesting to write about.

Gwen Cooper look at Jack who shrugged, before she said simply. “You made my wife happy,so I'm happy too.”

“Your wife? Doesn't the British Empire have laws against that?”

Captain Jack Sparrow patted Captain Jack Harkness' shoulder and grinned, whilst indicating the chuckling Welsh woman: “Pirates.”

The English pirate regarded the American time traveler. There was a conversation that needed to be had, but this didn't seem like the right time. So instead, he went below and brought out the last member of his small crew, even as Gwen and Tosh disappeared below decks to their own area.

Captain Jack Sparrow sat and dozed for some time as Captain Jack Harkness recovered completely.

*

“...And that is why time is like a river.” Tosh finished the doodling on the wall in her quarters, her clothes drying out on a wooden maiden. Gwen's weren’t too far away either.

Gwen sighed. “I just feel like I'm drowning in it.”

“You'll get there.” Tosh replied.

“If you say so, but what do you have to say about the sorcerer.”

“We could go out there and run him through,. But firstly, I think it would be ungrateful of us, and secondly I don't think it would do much good anyway. Besides which, I wouldn't want to now anyway, now I know he's friendly.”

“And we’d need to put our clothes back on.”

“I don’t think he’d care."

*

Captain Jack Harkness stretched ready to live again when the wind was knocked out of his own sails. He cursed himself for not expecting a Ianto doppelganger. He stood there, his heart racing and near breaking point. With yearning for his own Ianto.

“Hello sir, I'm Roger, the cabin boy.” He offered a hand to shake. 

Captain Jack Harkness shook the newcomer's hand thinking, 'Roger the cabin boy...' Of course he is…


	3. Curious Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On sale, but in the Carribean, not at Iceland: Two for the price of one and by that I mean Captain Jack (s). Damnit, with two of them around I can't keep my captain's straight... Then again, one of them ever was!

Chapter Three

The Black Pearl slid through the water, making its way to Europe. On deck, Jack Harkness lay on a hammock, soaking up some sun as he pondered his next move. Above him in her own hammock, was Gwen, who had watched as Jack Harkness had clambered into his own resting space, the opposite way round from her.

She’d wondered about it for a moment and then upon realising why he had laid out that way, smiled happily. She had confirmation that her hard work to make her butt look good was working.

Roger exited the cabin soon, bearing tea and biscuits on a silver platter, along with some bread like looking things. Roger extended the platter “Crumpet sir?” 

Jack smiled. “Why yes, yes you are.”

That completely shameless smile of Jack's dazzled the young assistant “Sir! there is time and a place for that... I have duties!”

“Sorry,” said Jack, not meaning a damned word of it and from the look on his face, Roger knew it too.

Roger grinned unexpectedly. “But with a go get it attitude like that, See you downstairs in about half an hour.”

Then he sauntered away. 

Jack spoke “Guess what I’m going to do later eh, Gwen?”

“Roger the cabin boy.” The mirth in Gwen’s tone told him he’d walked right into the old joke yet again.

 

* * *

Elsewhere on the ship, Captain Jack Sparrow was chewing over what Tosh had talked about earlier with all those fancy words she’d used. What had really piqued his interest were the words ‘Time travel’.

When he first heard the term he had come very close to dismissing it out of hand. Then he thought about Calysta, the Kraken, the fountain of youth, and other really weird things that just kept finding him and shrugged and thought, ‘why the hell not?’

With this in mind he sought out his passenger and sat down close by. Jack Harkness ceased admiring the view and sat up in his hammock, regarding the unpredictable pirate carefully.

“So, Cap’n…” Asked captain Jack.

“Yes Cap’n? ” Answered captain Jack.

“Why are you here?” answered the Englishman.

“Now, that is a very long story.” 

“I've got plenty of time. And if this crazy story of yours is to be believed so do you matey.” He flashed Jack a smile that could rival Harkness' own.

“I’ll tell you the short version then. As for crazy, it kinda goes with the name and title.”Harkness returned the smile.

A toothy white grin greeted that statement, “And you’ll get no argument from me on that score. Have some rum.” Captain Jack Sparrow leaned forward and offered the bottle.

 

The American took a gulp and began. “My name is Captain Jack Harkness, and that’s not even my real name. I have a hole in my memory, and I used to work for the fifty first century based Time Agency. After they deleted my memories I left and went gallivanting through time and space. During this time I ended up in England in a time of great conflict where I met a man called, ‘The Doctor’ and I ended up a bit less selfish.”

He paused, recalling how he'd he first met the Doctor and had called him and Rose U-Boat captain and flag girl. And then the Doctor had saved everyone he was trying to that day, even Jack.

Captain Jack Sparrow regarded the man across from him, burning every word into his memory. He hoped to be able to translate it for his personal gain later. (and his crew if it was safe enough too.) He took another swig and gestured for Harkness to carry on.

Captain Jack Harkness gulped some booze and kept speaking, “Shortly after that, I ended up a looooong way in the future where the Doctor, myself, and a girl called Rose Tyler fought off a race of warmongering half machine bastards called ‘Daleks’. Due to a rather strange twist of events-”

“You don’t say, matey?’ Captain Jack Sparrow’s eyes were twinkling as he said it.’Looks like I need more Rum

Harkness laughed. “Good point, pirate boy. Anyway, I was shot by a ray gun and killed stone dead but was brought back by power almost beyond my comprehension.”

“In the future eh?”

“That’s right.”

“So, I did it first then eh?” said the pirate

“Wait… What?”

“When I was tied to the this ship’s mast and left to be eaten by a Kraken, which I promptly gave indigestion to, I ended up in Davy Jones Locker. and all I had for company was me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, etc.”

“You were alone?”

“No, matey. I had a lot of me for company.”

“Ah, now I get it... but, after The Doctor tricked the Daleks and got ready to die taking them with him, since he knew if he set off his trap, he’d destroy the Earth, he Sent Rose Tyler home. Supposedly safe in her own Time and place, Rose decides she’s not having it, gets the TARDIS to agree with her, then goes back to wipe out the Daleks and save the Doctor. But in the process she exposes herself to the Time Vortex which should burn any human to a crisp..

“She exposed herself eh matey? Yeah, that sounds like one of your friends to me.”

“Hey! be polite!”

Captain Jack Sparrow paused mid swig to look at Jack Harkness incredulously. “I’ve not known you all that long, but I still can’t believe that you said that.”

Captain Jack Harkness stopped and paused. “You know, I’ve known me far longer, and I’m surprised I said it too. Anyway...”

Captain Jack Sparrow smiled. His little move to gauge how captain Jack Harkness respected his own team, or not, had proven successful.

Captain Jack Harkness wiped his mouth after a hearty gulp before continuing. “Righto. So Rose wipes out the bad guys, brings me back from the dead and saves the Doctor, who then goes and takes all the energy from her. It still saves him, but now he has a mortal wound and has to heal. So he does something only his people can do.”

“Something crafty and weird, by any chance?”

Captain Jack Harkness grinned. “Basically. He can heal from mortal wounds and get a new body, which he did. After that, Rose and the Doctor left in the TARDIS and departed, leaving me stuck on a space station.”

Sparrow's mind went through his checklist. Died, yep, sent to a weird place, yep, come back from the dead, yep. Got a new body... well technically, even if it's the same make and has the same wear and tear as the old one.. so, yep. Nonetheless, there was one phrase he couldn't decipher.

“Wait, you got stuck on a what station?” captain Jack Sparrow queried. Sure, he'd heard the word ‘Space’ but couldn’t add it and the word station together at this moment.

Captain Jack Harkness simply pointed straight up. “Like a port but in the heavens themselves.”

“So... if sailed my ship up there, it would be a ‘Star’ ship? 

“Precisely.” 

“I want one. We’ll have Rums all around.” He said a smile on his face, hands encompassing the crew before him.

Gwen smiled when she heard the Captain mention Rum from where she was on the ship.

“Well, you can’t have one so you’ll just have to settle for what you have here.”

“Spoilsport. Anyway, you have a tall tale to finish. Besides, I doubt the angels would get on my ship...”

“Believe me, angels from beyond the sky are the last thing you want on your ship...”

“Yeah, They'd probably nick me as soon as I blinked.”

Jack Harkness shuddered as he suppressed a dark laugh, “Then whatever you do, don't blink!”

“I'll look em straight the eye and be as still a statue, matey.”

This was too much. Hugging himself tightly as he burst out in the now irrepressible dark laugh, Captain Jack Harkness curled up. It was two different conversations but were synergising so neatly and even though the pirate had no idea, he was still saying all the right things.

Jack Harkness stopped laughing, his eyes locking on to the living force of chaos across from him. He realised then that he had in fact summed up Captain Jack Sparrow in one thought.

“Captain Jack Sparrow. Not a good man, not a bad man. Dropping in, helping himself, then helping himself out... but just about cares for his crew…”

“Not so loud, not so loud!” The pirate waved his hands around frantically at his utterance. ”They'll expect me to give a damn if they get into strife!”

“You already do...”

“They don't need to know that!”

That sounds familiar... captain Jack Harkness sagged.

“After that, I found a way off that thing and back to Earth and started up an organisation called ‘Torchwood’ dedicated to protecting the Earth from threats from beyond. And that is the End of part one of this story.”

“Right, well that explains how you’re such a complete weirdo then. It doesn’t explain how you ended up here…”

“Part two then, and in short. My team and I did a lot of work, then I met the Doctor again, got flung to the end of time, came back, did more work, got but shafted by my own side, who shoved me in prison and left me to rot. Then an insane time traveler ended up there too. Then the prison got broken, and she and I went our separate ways.”

“Not that fond of each other eh?” said captain Jack Sparrow with masterful understatement.

Captain Jack Harkness smiled. “Yeah, she was an old enemy from way back, when he and I did not get along...”

Harkness watched Sparrow raise a finger and opened his mouth. Harkness knew what was coming and verbally intercepted like never before.

“I know what I said, and I got it right both times and you really don't want me explaining that mess, and if I try we'll be here all week. Just let me point out he was the Doctor's arch rival back at their school, and she still is now.

Captain Jack Sparrow switched topics. “And now you’re seducing my cabin boy.”

“Roger that.”

“So I’ve heard.” 

Ouch, they got me again, thought captain Jack Harkness.

* * *

“SONTAR- *glug* HA! SONTAR- *glug* HA!”

General Cheef smiled proudly. He had ordered his unit to keep the war cry going and they had, and no Caribbean ocean was going to stop them from shouting it out.

“General Cheef! A Terran aquatic predator approaches!”

“What kind?”

“A Great White Shark.”

The shark saw the splashing shiny scaly thing in the water, and moved to eat it. The would be prey moved towards it and the last thing that the shark ever heard was; ‘SONTAR *glug* HA!’

This time the Ocean could not halt the Sontaran lungs.


	4. Sparrow Still at Sea

The yacht had a cell, although Jack Sparrow considered it luxurious compared to what he thought of as cells being that what he thought of a cells were small squalid things and often crowded. This one had clean white bedsheets and a small assortment of furniture, including a comfortable enough chair. There were even a few books and a strange hung dark paneled plate made from a material he wasn’t familiar. 

The main thing that made him feel like a captive were the fact that his door was locked from the outside. Pirate instinct told him that he wasn’t going to get through it. So he had laid down pulled his hat over his face and dozed off

He had no idea how long he had been asleep for when one of captor’s voices roused him from his slumber. Yawning and stretching, he looked over saw the face of Gwen Cooper. He was mildly perturbed that it seemed to be on some kind of painting and the rest of her body was missing,(which he considered a crying shame.)

Jack grinned his Piratical grin at his ‘host’. “I have to say,” he begun, “You’ve shrunk.”

“Not really.” Gwen answered completely unfazed. “This is a little thing called- ah, sod it, it let’s me see you and talk to you from elsewhere on the ship. so, let’s talk about this letter you had on you and the man that wrote it.”

“The last time I saw the man who wrote you that letter, he was pouncing on me, buck naked.”

“I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent context for that.” Gwen said,.

“Are you?” quipped Tosh, who had chosen this moment to peer into the screen.

“I’m not and I only met him for five minutes.” Sparrow grinned.

“Sounds like our Jack.” Tohs said

“I’m not your Jack,” Said Jack

“No, she meant the other one.” said Gwen. 

Gwen sighed, forced to concede both points. “Oh and of course, you're being completely honest with us.”

Jack looked at Gwen, shrugged and said the one word. “Pirate.”

“I knew you were lying.”

Jack dropped his arms, having spent enough time around the counterparts of these two women to see the similarities between them. Most importantly there was the look on Gwen’s face that spoke volumes to him, that almost everyone else would miss. With that, Captain Jack briefly considered that Captain Jack might have the same insights.

 

“Fine then boyo, you’ve figured out I won’t shoot you, but don’t mistake that for me trusting you.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it. Your other selves are in my crew and they don’t trust me either. Probably even less after I decided to go mystical sightseeing.”

Tosh’s eyes widened and she grabbed the pirate’s arm, and yanked his sleeve up revealing the Stolen Vortex manipulator.

Gwen’s gun came up level with Jack’s face. The pirate froze and he started to speak very slowly.. Gwen’s gun hand twitched ever so slightly as she thumbed the safety. “I only said I probably wouldn’t boyo. That thing on your arm changes things a lot. Start talking.” Her eyes were cold.

“And suddenly I don’t want to anymore’ Jack said being deliberately awkward. ‘Of course you could pull that trigger and I won’t be able to. So, here’s my counter offer. You want to know things and I want to know things, so… Parley.”

“Parley.” Gwen hissed after realising that the bloody infuriating man had a a really good point holstering her gun, followed by Tosh.

“And throw in a keg of Rum.”

“Dwi ddim yn eisiau i siarad efo lembo hwn.” Gwen sighed theatrically with her complaint.

*

Gwen eyed Captain Jack warily, and if you can figure out which century that’s in at first glance, well done you.

“My lord sorcerer it would appear you’re in need of clothes.” (There you go readers, have a naked Jack harkness)

The naked American time traveller just sniffed as he said. “And you’re entitled to your opinion of course.”

“And my opinion is, go put some bloody clothes on.”

“Sexist. You’d never say that to the woman on this crew.”

“Sexist? what’s that?” Gwen asked. 

Jack explained.

Gwen rolled her eyes at a lot of stupidity and answered .“Yes I would!”

“Oh, really?” interjected a new voice. It may have been Summer, in June, in the Caribbean, and yet the temperature plummeted towards absolute zeros as Tosh glared at her wife.

“Look, I’m just trying to get him to wear some pants, I’m sure the rest of the crew would like him to get clothed!” Gwen was flushed now. She turned to Roger as the young man arrived on deck. 

“I prefer him like this.” Roger stated, after a not so brief look.

“Thanks for helping, Roger,” Gwen sighed

“And I’m just an awkward bastard.” added Owen.

“And I’m annoyed at you.” Finished Tosh.

“Right fine, stay naked anyone who wants to do so.”

“We win.” said Jack.

“And then set course for Scotland.” Gwen smiled sweetly as she gave her order.

“Okay Gwen,’ Jack answered, conceding graciously, ‘I’ll put some pants on.”

Gwen sauntered off the deck muttering loudly. “Rydych chi eisiau gwybod pam nad oes gennyf wlser? Gan nad wyf yn rhoi fuck.”

* * *

Back in the 21st Century, the weather around the cape of Good Hope continued to assail the Yacht. Her Helmsman, a Mr Owen Harper by name, held the vessel steady as she departed the area. He was looking forwards to hearing the interview with the interloper get repeated in Cardiff, hopefully after the self proclaimed Captain Jack Sparrow was sat in the Monredaal Truth chair.

Sodium Pentathol has nothing on that gizmo, Owen smiled at the thought. Watching someone else trying to beat it would be cathartic. Still, his own stint had culminated in him and Tosh being a couple. Since there was no way at all to lie, not even by omission, or remaining silent, when asked if he was in love with anyone, the deceit was uncovered. Fortuitously so was hers. 

He smiled grimly as he adjusted course, piloting the little ship on its way back to Cardiff, as he remembered Tosh having rather a lot to say to him. Owen shook his head, knowing he could replay that conversation in his head anytime. For now he continued his task, with a side order of eavesdropping.

Below decks, her counter surveillance earpiece letting her know exactly what Owen was up to, Tosh had called ahead to Cardiff.

* * *

Ianto Jones read the incoming coded message, his eyebrows rising with each revelation. He pressed a button to store the information electronically. Well, I’d better put their tea on. At top speed they’ll be back in a few hours.

As he went to order some pizza (in the name of Torchwood… what else?) The main communications console began to beep urgently. Ianto punched up the message and as he did so both eyebrows rose. 

To Ianto Jones, from captain Jack Harkness:

Hey Ianto, put the kettle on,.

It’s kinda sunny here in the Caribbean. and before you say there;s storm or something over here, My Caribbean is in the seventeenth century. see you in a few centuries. In about an hour.

Love, Marty Mcfly.

Ianto sighed as he read the signature. “Pillock. It was Doc Brown.”

Back on the Black Pearl, Captain Jack Harkness was wide awake looking at the starlit night. The last two weeks had practically flown by without incident. Now though it seemed as though their luck had run out. Three Royal Navy frigates were converging 

“Cachyn!” Gwen shouted as she saw them and Jack Harkness need no translation.

Captain Jack Harkness grinned at the Welsh woman and with a booming voice, “Heave to and await borders!”

“Are you insane?”

“Not any more. besides we can’t outfight them and we can’t outrun them and remember what you called me when i first showed up?”

“Sorcerer.”

“Time to work that old Captain Jack magic.”

“So you’re captain Jack and you’re going to try and talk you way out of trouble using your wit and charm and some strange plan?”

“Yes. Why?”

“I just wanted to know how doomed we are all are.”

“Oh ye of little faith.”

“So true, I’m an atheist.”

*

Commodore Norrington smiled grimly as he stepped aboard the notorious pirate vessel, and looked over the prisoners with obvious contempt 

“Unusually wise of you to surrender. it may have bought you a few more weeks of life as you await trial for-”

“Letter of Marque. Left pocket. Check now before you land a whole load of trouble.” Jack Harkness was smiling as the Commodore glared at him.

“If this is some trick pirate, then you will hang from the mast today.”

“Not pirate, Privateer. Go on, read.”

Norrington’s face went a little white and he looked Jack up and down. Eventually he asked. “Release them. Now, what of the women?”

“Get your own.“ Jack made suggestive eyes at the young soldier releasing him. He was about to say something when a familiar scent reached his nose: Estrogen. He looked at the rec coat again and smiled as her saw her start to a panic. He took the second of distraction to pluck the ‘Letter of Marque’ better known to him as psychic paper back out of Norrington’s hands and tuck it safely away. He then looked at the glowering Commodore.

“Thank you captain, that is not what I meant.” Norrington sighed. “But a woman who shared my sense of adventure and could take care of herself-”

“-has joined the navy dressed as a man and is standing right here because she did all this, due to being utterly hopelessly in love with you.” 

“Sir!” The young cross-dressing female sailor answered in a strangled tone.

“Ma’am’ said Jack, not letting up.

“Oh thank god’ said Norrington. ‘ I was beginning to think I was starting the slide to sodomy!”

Jack shook his head and said, “Other side of the body Commodore.”

“Shut up Jack.” said Gwen on automatic pilot.

 

* * *

The Modern day Torchwood crew on their yacht, sailed up the Bristol channel and into Cardiff Bay. The wharf had a moderate sized crowd around it with banners reading; “Welcome back, Super Secret Organisation Torchwood.”

“Every bloody time.” Muttered Gwen darkly.


	5. Sparrows and Sontarans

“So’, Ianto said slowly, like a police negotiator trying to make sure a disturbed member of the public didn’t walk one step to the front, when on a window ledge nine floors up, ‘This is captain Jack Sparrow, of the pirate vessel ‘Black Pearl’ who sailed in the seventeenth century. He also apparently has temporal counterparts of you two in his crew.”

Tosh nodded. “You know that it isn’t the first time a temporal counterpart has been recorded. Gwen had that ancestor that met the Doctor and stopped an invasion of Earth: Whilst dead.”

Owen Harper groaned. “Does everyone that works for Torchwood come back from the bloody dead?”

Gwen smiled. “What next, we all end up fancying everyone else?”

Tosh smiled back at her. “Gwen. perhaps you hadn’t noticed, but I already fancy you.”

Gwen gave her a look. “Rhys might have something to say about that.”

Tosh grinned. “I really do hope that it’s, ‘can I join in?”

Owen glared at Tosh but with an amused glint in his eyes. “What ‘ave I told you about stealing my lines?”

Flopped comfortably on his couch, Jack Sparrow was now snoring away merrily.

Gwen just shrugged but her face snapped around when Ianto muttered the portentous words, ‘uh-oh’.

“What?” She nearly growled.

“Sontaran incursion in this time period. Blaster fire at some video shop in London.”

Ianto continued scanning now thankful that the noise level was down, and also that that infernal snoring had stopped.

Gwen blinked. “What’s a bloody Sontaran? And why is it attacking a video store? And also, who runs a video store these days?”

Ianto grinned and pulled out a VHS tape and flicked it to Gwen. The title said ‘Hip to Hip Slip’. it also depicted two less than fully clad and rather slim toned young women on the front. 

Gwen glared at Owen a split second later. “Why am I not the least bit bloody surprised you bought this Owen?”

Owen was grinning from to ear and Tosh just held out her hand. “My film please.”

Owen grinned. “And an apology from Gwen for her sexist comment.”

“You- you-” Gwen stammered.

“He’s right you know Gwen, You did make a vicious little assumption.” Ianto Jones was the voice of reason, although Owen could just catch the inferred little smirk there. 

For a moment Gwen, at a loss for words, gave Ianto a very sharp piercing gaze before she responded. “Only because Owen bloody Harper is a foul mouthed little bastard, who likes filth far too much.”

Tosh’s eyes narrowed and she glared at Gwen with equal intensity “Oh? Telling me I watch filth now are you?” Tosh was not amused. She crossed her arms and glared. “Homophobic much?”

On the sofa, Captain Jack Sparrow smiled ever so slightly at the antics of this lot. he stretched silently, biding his time.

Ianto looked at Gwen. “That does remind me of something,” With that he put up his ‘beefcake’ firefighter calendar and smiled. Mostly because every fireman was Jack Harkness.

Even whilst Ianto was narrowing down the search parameters, Gwen gave out three apologies, said the immortal words herself: “Bloody Torchwood.” Then she hugged Tosh. 

* * * 

Sally Sparrow was running for her life, through a dimly lit back streets of London, the lights dim and an amber red, as daylight faded. The lights would soon be a more colour palette killing orange as they warmed up, but at least she’d be able to see better. She had given up trying to hide by the third time these strange creatures had pointed out exactly where she was.

Sally almost expected to turn a corner and see a dark blue police box.

Even as her pursuer’s shots zipped past, she cursed the obnoxious trolls that are Sontarans, and continued zigging and zagging for all she was worth. Hopefully she could outpace the enemy and get help at the Tower of London, courtesy of U.N.I.T. 

She really wished she hadn’t gone shopping without her phone, and she definitely wasn’t stopping to use a payphone, as surprisingly common as they still were.

“You cannot run from us forever, Captain Jack Harkness!” General Cheef crowed. He had found his quarry, the infernal Harkness, at last!

“My name isn’t Jack you imbecilic little spudman, it’s Sally, and I’m female!” Said aforementioned quarry indignantly.

“Changing your gender, your first and last name, and hiding three centuries and a few thousand miles away from where we met you,whist pretending to be your own descendant will NOT deter us! You will be taken prisoner for the glory of the Sontaran empire!

Sally barely dodged one of the energy bolts, diving into a small alley that was an off-shoot to the backstreet she was on. Her more slender frame giving her a much needed boost. Without much time to plan. she glanced around. She needed to do something that wouldn’t come naturally to the aliens. 

The thought flashed through her mind. They were short and stocky in contrast to her own height and agility; It was almost like contrasting Legolas and Gimli in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Sally blinked as the thought hit her like a lorry. Then she grabbed hold of the railings belonging to a fire escape, and hoisted herself onto the damp metal grating. She then climbed the narrow open staircase as quickly as she could and came to a stop as the Sontarans appeared at the beginning of the Alley.

Sally paused and crouched low attempting to conceal herself but watched them curiously. They did seemed slightly dimwitted seeing as they were convinced she was some fairytale character meanwhile she concentrated on the part of her plan that got her help without getting outmatched police officers killed.

General Cheef growled as he banged the scanner which was pointing him at an empty portion of the damp alley. The other Sontarans had spread out, and the General stared hard at the spot the scanner was indicating. 

“Jack Sparrow! Your invisibility cloaking, gender swapping, time travelling technology will not deter us. We will find you! Sontar ha!”

General Cheef leveled his blaster at the the ‘invisible Jack’ space, and disintegrated a portion of the wall in front of him. This invited a scream from the woman inside the back room toilet of the shop the outer wall belonged to. She quickly covered herself up, her eyes now wide in fright, staring at the missing wall and the rather irritable looking General Cheef.

“Jack Sparrow, your attempt to flush yourself into the underground transport network of London has failed. You will submit to us immediately!”

The woman stared at the curious Alien, her expression of fear slowly fading, her jaw set. “You what, mate?”

* * *

“I have her.” Ianto proclaimed as he tapped at the keyboard. “And she’s in trouble.”

Captain Jack Sparrow was all ears, and rose drunkenly silent.

Ianto Jones studied the image on his monitor, having hacked London’s CCTV network, as well as U.N.I.T.’s covert observation.. Rapidly keying in many digits on his keyboard he said. “She’s trapped on a fire escape in central London. A mile or so west of Alexandra Palace.” 

Gwen was busy at her own computer, as of the team, her police skills were the best suited to identifying people. It wasn’t long before she had a positive match. “Sally... Sparrow…” She murmured. “Preparing extraction, but we’re going to need a Vortex manipulator to lock on to her location. Lucky for us we have a genetically compatible read.” Gwen raised an eyebrow as she said this because as far as she was concerned, there was no way in hell that this was a coincidence.

A hand suddenly landed on his shoulder and piercing blue eyes bore into his. “I don’t understand your sorcery, but I do understand this. She’s a Sparrow, mate. She’s family.”

Owen peered at his monitor. “Looks like she’s trying to avoid anyone else getting caught up in this.”

“Shouldn’t someone inform U.N.I.T.?” Gwen asked, her hands paused on her own computer station. “This is what they’re for after all.”

“Surely if we inform the Kingsmen...?" Jack Sparrow offered, completely out of his depth here.

“No’, Gwen muttered, ‘we don’t want another Michael Caine movie!”

“Time and a place, Gwen.” Ianto glanced at her as he scanned emergency channels to see if the authorities, or U.N.I.T. were responding. They were. On the CCTV Ianto could already see U.N.I.T personnel setting up cordons to the area and moving in.

“Right.” she replied. She was thinking about Jack’s suggestion more seriously now, and concluded they they were sort of like the Kingsmen. “This organisation was originally founded by Queen Victoria, Captain. If there are KIngsmen, I suppose, we’re it.”

Jack Sparrow looked almost disappointed. “Seems you’ve downsized a bit, love.”

Tosh nodded. Turning slightly. “Got any ideas Ianto?” 

“The genetic scan does indeed confirm that she is our guest’s direct descendent.” Ianto said, not registering any surprise. And when Jack Sparrow held out his hand Ianto asked him, “Are you volunteering?”

“There’s crew mate and then there are family.” The pirate said. Smiling he added. “And I did not come all this way just for them to get the wrong person. Today those little spits of men will learn once again, they can not catch Captain Jack Sparrow!”

Owen sneered. “Yeah they’re gonna obliterate your great whatever daughter she is of yours.”

“There’s something you’ve forgotten mate.” Jack held out his hand.. After a moment’s pause, Ianto dropped the defenses that had stopped Jack from being able to teleport out. “I’m captain Jack Sparrow.”


	6. Hubbub at the Hub

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Black pearl team have arrived at Torchwood Cardiff and there are still Sontarans about somewhere

Even More Torchwood of the Caribbean

Chapter Six

Aboard the Black Pearl Captain Jack Harkness woke slowly, and stretching out, brushed Gwen’s hip. Deciding to rise in a way that did not disturb her, he turned the other way, and ended up brushing Tosh’s hip. This made him pause, then smile widely as he sat up and did a barrel roll out of the captain’s bed. He did that because after brushing Tosh’s hip, he’d remembered that Roger was at the top. 

As quiet as he could be after centuries of stealthy practice, he folded up everyone’s clothes and laid them out neatly for when they all woke up.

He walked up the short ornate stairway, passing Jack Sparrow’s mostly empty trophy cupboard. He would have kept on going only he glimpsed something. In the cabinet were two little ships. To the uninitiated it looked like each appeared to be set in a glass bottle. A ship in the bottle. Nothing unusual about that, but they seemed to be swaying to and fro, and the Peal didn’t seem to be swaying that much; it was as if those ships in the bottles were sailing themselves. Only, something at the edges of Jack’s mind were triggered. He could almost smell it. As faint as it was, it was there. 

As he picked one up and examined it closer. He could see the sea (oddly enough), then it hit him. It was obvious, and he couldn’t imagine how he could not have seen this earlier. Jack took in a sudden gasp of air, and his face drained of colour. Hell, he’d travelled with one... this was the work of the Time Lords. It had to be.

The Time Lords had allegedly been known for their wisdom and their long practiced neutrality, if the Doctor was to be believed, but then something had set them on a path of war and the result had been as terrifying as any Dalek attack. He just had to recall the Doctor’s solo assault on just under half a million Daleks to remind himself of that.

And so the Time Lords had gone to war the Doctor had told him but they had woefully underestimated their enemy, And though they had been the most advanced species they had been pushed to desperate measures, Their actions now lived in as much infamy as those of the Daleks. The Doctor had taken an even more extreme measure.

Jack shook his head to clear it. Torchwood had been formed to combat extraterrestrial threats and he was its leader. Even if meant going up against Time Lord insanity .Again.

 

* * *

General Cheef grinned...Victory was once more in his grasp. He still wasn’t sure how he had arrived in the laughingly named United Kingdom. Mostly he recalled that he and his men had been drifting badly off course, and ending up seeing a ghostly ship with what appeared to be a U.N.I.T vessel near it. That had them nonplussed them as U.N.I.T did not have high tech vessels, (Well, not by their version of it anyway) by their standards) or even exist in the seventeenth century.

It had taken him a little time to figure it out, but somehow their own Sontaran temporarily displaced signatures must have been incompatible with the ghost ship. and they had been flung away through the the time stream. Being creatures of advanced technological status, they had locked on to the more advanced U.N.I.T. vessel and hanging on tenaciously like only Sontarans can and effectively been water skiing through three hundred years of timeline.

It had been costly, he was down to ten men now, the others lost to the vortex and one to a hungry Kraken. But Cheef had smiled, for even as his man was eaten he could hear the glorious sound of ‘Sontar Ha!’ echoing from the creature’s throat

Once they had taken stock of their landing, the remaining nine Sontarans had found themselves able to pursue Captain Jack Sparrow, and there she was. slumped against the corner of an alleyway, trapped like a small terran rodent. How she had changed shape, height, gender, name and address would be discovered later. For now General Cheef and his men had her surrounded and it was now only a matter of time until they took her back to Sontar, ha.

They were distracted by a flash of white light and a piratical shape materialising right in front of them. 

General Cheef blinked as he saw the highly familiar figure of Captain Jack Sparrow appear and bow to him. His astonishment lasted less than a second. 

Less than a second it was all it took though for Captain Jack Sparrow to grab Sally and hit a button on the leather strap around his wrist, and depart as abruptly as he had arrived.

 

 

General Cheef’s eyes widened as a thought stuck him, (an unusual thing for a Sontaran, but even a broken clock is right twice a day) and he growled, “Damnation, now he can even cross his own time steam and assist himself! The Doctor must be involved somehow for that is one of his tricks!”

After three hundred years sanity didn’t enter into Sontaran reasoning reasoning anymore,

 

* * *

U.N.I.T. were tightening their security cordon as rapidly as possible. Advanced armoured transports were taking up position, weapons on standby. Major Deese checked his orders once more: If they spotted Sontarans and had a clean shot with minimal chance of collateral damage, they were to take it. Sontarans were simply too dangerous to leave unchecked.

There had two instances of Sontarans charged headlong at heavy armour already .

“Thank you corporal.” He studied the date on the pad in his hands and frowned. Why there? he thought to himself. To the corporal he said out loud, ‘Take three squads and find an elevated vantage point.” 

“Yes sir!”

* * *

Back in the Torchwood HUB, Gwen Cooper blinked at the sight on the monitor. “Hey,’ she said after checking that the monitor was working correctly for the second time, whilst simultaneously checking that it wasn’t Owen bloody Harper pissing about, “We’ve got something right weird sailing up the bay, and it looks like a pirate ship….”

Ianto caught her attention as he said. “That’s because it is one Gwen.“Which it means that it’s time I put the kettle on and made a pot of tea.”

Gwen just stared at him incredulously. It wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last.Then she remembered that she was working for Torchwood.

Ianto continued unabashed, “Jack sent me a message telling he’d be aboard that ship. The message has been lying in chartered accountants offices, then, onto Scotland and the first Torchwood safety deposit boxes… then finally the Cardiff Torchwood archive.”

Gwen;s expression flattened as she said in a careful monotone. “So…’ she began, ‘Captain Jack Harkness is sailing up Cardiff Bay, on a pirate ship.”

Tosh looked over at her teammate, exasperated by Gwen’s scepticism. “And you haven’t wondered where and when our recent captain Sparrow came from?” A pirate? From the seventeen hundreds? Do catch up dear.”

Gwen’s tone gained Tosh a sour look from her team mate but she shrugged it off easily and turned her attention to the Monitors and the arrival of The Black Pearl

Even as the Hub crew observed the ship, their returning leader was standing on the main mast in his ludicrous hero pose, anachronistic trench coat (twice over now) billowing like the sails below. The ancient ship sailed up the wharf, its Pirate flag drawing much attention and many in the crowd muttered amongst themselves. There was fear, curiosity and t  
hen as it headed towards a familiar bay, resignation.

“Bloody Torchwood.”

 

* * *

As the Black Pearl anchored up and her crew lowered the steps, Jack Harkness produced a small device. Ensign Gwen Cooper and Ensign Toshiko Sato watched as Jack placed it down and it folded out growing slightly in size and became a billboard. 

On it were the words -Torchwood applicants wait here -. Jack Harkness smiled and said, ‘works like a charm. Nobody ever boards the ships we park here. Now, everyone stay put until I come and get you.” 

* * *

 

Captain Jack Harkness strode in with his usual cocky plastered all over his face but it vanished as he had to stop himself when a cup and saucer nearly hit him in the face. From thousand of miles away and centuries between them, Ianto had brewed up. 

Owen Harper nearly wet himself at the stunned expression of his boss’ face, giggling like an idiot. Tosh and Gwen both looked highly amused but their attention was mostly on the task of tracking Jack and Sally Sparrow.

Harkness recovered magnificently. “Ianto, fresh pot. With what’s coming this way I’m going to need more coffee. Owen, Tosh, keep monitoring. Gwendoline Cooper, Situation report!”

It took a few minutes but Jack kept up with it just fine. “Well, that explains a few things, although I do find myself wondering where he went between leaving us and ending up with you.”

 

* * *

On board a Dalek command ship, computer records were being updated. A new target was being added and If they ever ran into him again, the Daleks planned on Exterminating Captain Jack Sparrow.

 

* * *

 

Still following in Sparrow’s wake general Cheer and his fifteen troops had fought some Daleks and had managed a nine to four fatality ratio. Now though the general and his nine remaining men were back in the twentieth century. 

Cheef grunted as he surveyed his position and he saw that UNIT had mobilised and this time they had a pretty good idea where the Sontarans would be. General Cheef saw this and smiled. UNIT were getting better. His nine remaining men and he yearned for a straight stand and fight battle (and one they could win after dealing with the Sparrows.

 

* * *

Things had gotten strange in the Torchwood Hub (and for this lot that’s saying something) as Captain Jack Harkness introduced everyone to everyone. Jack had saved what he considered the most interesting introduction until last. He did so with a wide smile.

“Roger, Ianto Jones. Ianto Jones, Roger the cabin Boy.” he said 

“Maybe later Jack, when I’m off duty.”

Jack Harkness groaned as he realised he’ set himself up perfectly,They got me again. 

* * *

 

“We’re nearly all here, we’re just waiting for Captain Jack Sparrow. I’m mildly surprised he’s not here already considering.”

“Well’, Ianto began. ‘I did put a delay returned into the shielding so that we would have three hours without him around even though he’d return, in his perception, instantaneously. “

“I would ask when he’s actually due back but, five, four, three. Two -”

With a small flash, Captain Jack Sparrow arrived, Sally safely in tow and had barely registered he was back in the hub before he heard the familiar voice of Captain Jack Harkness.

“-and interdiction now placed. Vortex manipulator deactivated.” Ianto smiled rather smugly as he spoke. “And I’ve capture Captain Jack Sparrow.”

The pirate put his finger to his chin and grinned. “I thought we were cooperating, which is why I came straight back here when i could.

“Well-"

“So I’m not arrested then?"

“No Said captain Jack Harkness but this is mine I believe,” he said indicating the now dormant Vortex manipulator. Captain Jack Sparrow shrugged and handed the device over without complaint or hesitation.

Captain Jack Harkness smiled. “Not too pleasant a day out then eh?”

The pirate shrugged. “It was touch and go for a while there matey when I had metal barrels firing blue lightning at me…”

Jack Harkness and his team froze. The American asked .Was the word ‘Exterminate’ used?”

The pirate nodded and after a brief pause captain Jack Harkness burst out laughing. “Looks like today is the day the Daleks nearly Exterminated Captain Jack Sparrow.”


	7. It's Double Dutch man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The frayed threads of time are being knotted back together. Meanwhile, The Sontaran pursuit is less than two hundred miles away and closing.

Chapter Seven

The Flying Dutchmen .

Cursed ship captain Will Turner looked at the other ship and blinked. The ship was identical to his own and aboard a spectral figure gazed over at him, seemingly equally nonplussed. 

Captain Willem Van der Decken gazed over, confusion warring with curiosity. “Ahoy there, can you hear my words?”

“I can.” Will turner replied and though he spoke one language and the other a different one, still they understood each other.

“Then let us put our heads together and consider finding a way of ending what appears to be our mutual curse!”

 

* * *

 

General Cheef sat up, the last thing he remembered was that he and his men had engaged UNIT forces and were expecting the usual easy victory, but looking around he saw his three remaining troops.

One of them was smiling predatorially at him and began speaking, “General Cheef, you have led us to-” 

There was the familiar sound of blaster fire and the thud of a Sontaran corpse hitting the floor. General Cheef smiled nastily. “ It would seem that any failure I may have has been superseded by his own… any objections?”

“No sir!” His remaining two soldiers chorused. 

“Good, now we never speak of this again and we get back to chasing the pirate and the American transvestite time traveller!”

“Sontar- Ha!”

* * * 

 

Captain Jack Harkness groaned as he looked at Ianto. “You’re picking up two temporal signatures for the Flying Dutchman?”

Ianto Jones nodded slowly and sighed. “Things are increasingly unstable and if it continues, it’ll destabilise the vortex here. Not only that, the more people of unfixed temporal status you try taking with you… the faster the decay.”

Captain Jack Harkness frowned.“”That means the next question is, who do I take?”

Ianto said. “I can help you with that one. Myself and Roger should stay close by. Sally should also stay for her own safety. But, you, Captain Sparrow and both Gwens need to go. And it would benefit us here in Cardiff to deputise Sally here.” 

Captain Jack Sparrow glanced from Ianto to his descendent and raised an eyebrow. “ I didn’t extract her from trouble just so you could put her right back in fate’s own noose matey.”

Ianto gave a brittle smile. “ Sally here is in danger until this is all fixed. Between The vortex manipulators, The Cardiff Rift, The Sontarans' temporal shenanigans and her previous experiences meeting a the Doctor…” , 

The pirate held up his hand, “Alright matey, I get your gist. I may not get all those fancy words but I recognise them. Sally here is swimming against the stream of time to get back to shore but loads of currents threaten to sweep her out to sea. Is that Close enough mate?”

“Erm, yes. “ Ianto said. “ The thing is due to all the jiggery pokery going on around here, there’s work to be done maintaining everyone’s temporal stability for as long as I can. And no one can go anywhere before I’m finished.. So you’re all here for the next twelve hours. So eat, drink and recuperate.”

Ensign Sato smiled and raised an eyebrow at the other Tosh. The latter looked over at Owen Harper who was grinning with glee. Well, that answered the question of whether he’d consent or not.

First Mate Cooper nodded warmly at her partner. “Interesting choice. I suppose I should attempt something similar.”

Doctor Owen Harper grinned, “As much as I would love to see that happen, I don’t think-”

“Shut up Owen, I can speak for myself. And by the look of it, myself too… I just have to phone Reese.”

Captain Jack Harkness looked over at his team. He turned to speak with his namesake, only to find that the pirate had sauntered off whist his attention was pleasantly distracted. 

 

* * *

General Cheef looked at the mode of transport his subordinate had procured and sighed. None of the other vehicles had been deemed suitable. This then was what they were to use to travel from London to Cardiff: a old person’s mechanical scooter, one of the two wheeled scooters with a handle, and shoved in the back as a reserve mode of transport.

With a cry of ‘SONTAR HA!’ General Cheef engaged the ignition of the OAP vehicle,, which he was at least technically old enough to qualify for.

 

*

General Cheef shrugged. Perhaps it would have been a good idea not to have blasted the engine in frustration when it had stalled for the third time. So now they were scooting their way from the border, closing in, one scoot at a time on Captains Jack/Sally/Jack Harkness/Sparrow.

He smiled grimly, it was a good job he had updated his datapad for now it no longer mattered that his quarry could change gender, temporal signature, and cross his/her own time stream, the tracking was locked on.

*

The Scooters now discarded, General Cheef and his remaining soldier had six miles left to go. To his credit, the soldier who had twisted his scooter handle the wrong way and coasted off the side of a South Wales mountain, had chanted Sontar Ha! All the way down. General Cheef had been impressed, although he did not think that ‘Sont- kersplat’ would catch on.

 

* * *

 

 

Will Turner looked over at Willem Van Der Drecken and nodded curtly. The two accursed captains had brought the two ships closer and closer until the very sea glowed blue and the air crackled.With each attempt the ships had come closer to merging and neither of them believed it would take much longer.

Turner grinned “Where there’s a Will, there’s a way!”

“Doubly true for us!”

 

* * * 

Captain Jack Sparrow stood at the wheel of his ship having risen early. It felt good to be back and he sensed that the last parts of this adventure if not the very last part was approaching.The night he had spent on his own had helped a lot too.

“Permission to come aboard captain?” The familiar voice of captain Jack Harkness sounded from below. With him were both Gwens and one Ensign Sato, her face determined. 

“Granted! All of you,” 

Captain Jack Harkness and his entourage sauntered up the gangplank and the married pirate women strode to their stations and made ready. The American shook the pirate’s hand and said ‘ Ianto and Roger are tidying the base and your Owen is studying with mine. They’ll be returned soon enough. As for Sally, she’s in secured quarters.”

The pirate frowned. “It still feels like we’re forgetting someth-” He was interrupted by a diving tackle from Jack as a streak of lethal blue lightning barely missed the pirate. Harkness’ charred body hit the deck with a thud.

Reacting hastily, the still alive crew cast off, turning the ship as they did so, expecting, correctly, another shot. That expected shot sailed harmlessly into the air.

On the shore, General Cheef snarled. He had come so close but here his quarry was, escaping yet again. He shoved his last underling and screamed “Board that ship!”

Without question, the soldier pushed off on his skateboard and accelerated along the bay side trying to find a way to jump over. 

General Cheef also attempted to skate his way down but with his temper high jammed down too hard and broke the board in two. Cursing he discarded the board and began bustling his way along the waterfront chanting as he went.

 

* * *

 

Ensign Sato clambered up into the Crow’s nest, crouching so as to present the smallest possible profile whist still managing to maintain a lookout. “ He’s keeping up with us!”

Captain Jack Sparrow turned the wheel taking his ship into the faster current and there was a familiar lurch as the ship accelerated. The only one who stumbled a little was PC Gwen Cooper but she recovered swiftly. 

“Are there any weapons on this ship?” she paused, adding quickly ‘That i can use, you know useful ones?”

“Got some pistols and shot. In the barrel behind the mainmast.”

First mate Cooper lifted the lid from the barrel, and the other Gwen could briefly see that it had the words ‘Secret Weapons Stash’ and blinked. 

“Would you believe there really were guns here after reading that?”

“Only if I’d met your captain before. Ah, here it is. Load them up then eh?”

“Sure,” Gwen said to Gwen. Two pistols were filled with powder and shot whilst Ensign Sato called out the Skateboarding Sontaran’s progress and that he had a rope now, with grapnel..

*

General Cheef rethought his strategy for even though he could he keep up his speed on shore, once he took to the water, he would be outclassed. He looked around trying to decide on a mode of transport with which to pursue the damned… whatever. 

*  
As he threw the grapnel and found purchase on a crane, The Sontaran second in command smiled at the thought of the accolades that flow his way for the upcoming victory. He ascended the rope quickly and pulling it re fashioned it so he could swing out to board the Black Pearl. 

Satisfied he had the target correctly sighted he leapt and pulled the rope and having judged correctly, landed on the deck. Two sharp retorts cracked out, The first missed the soldier but the shot impacted on his rifle, destroying the trigger mechanism.

He turned and seeing two human females hurled the now useless weapon catching First Mate Cooper with a glancing blow. Smiling the Sontaran readied to charge the other Gwen. 

“Hang on mate, I thought it was me you were after, you know, in honourable single combat?” Captain Jack Sparrow was stood at the prow affecting what passed for his version of a duelling stance. “Or, do you lot go after the weaker gender?” Jack noted that Gwen;s stare was nearly as lethal as a sontaran blaster.

The Sontaran for his part laughed contemptuously. “I won’t even need a sword fool!” With that he roared and charged the pirate who at least had the wisdom to look afraid of the impending doom he had brought on himself.

Jack Sparrow widened his eyes but at the last second before impact, smiled and pirouetted. His would be assailant realised as he crashed into the railings on the prow, then through them, he had been had.

As he heard the welcome splash of the despatched warrior Captain Jack Sparrow cocked an insouciant grin and simply said, “Looks I didn’t need a sword either matey…”

* * *

The sea crackled and lightning coiled around the new one and only, now unified, Flying Dutchman. The two captains now took it in turns to pilot their ship. Each time one took the helm, the other would disappear below decks and wrack his brains trying to discover and escape

* * *

Captain Jack Harkness revived with a gasp. As he did so, PC Cooper stopped playing patience and nodded. Welcome back. Only one Sontaran left and we left the little bastard at Cardiff. We’re on our way to recover the two ‘Flying Dutchman.’

Captain Jack Harkness shook his head. “I had a glance of what’s going on and we need to have a talk about some recent developments.”

“Bugger.” Gwen said the most common word to describe any Torchwood member’s reaction to that phrase.

 

* * *

In hot pursuit, finally having procured a means of aquatic transport general Cheef was chanting ‘Sontar Ha!’ As he Jetskied the Atlantic.


	8. Today is the day you'll remember...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sparrows, Ships, and Sontarans.

Chapter Eight.

“Today is the day you’ll always remember…”

 

The Black Pearl cut the waves, her unusual crew readying themselves for the final part of this event. For his part, captain Jack Sparrow was in good spirits for he had ended up exactly where he thought he would, at the helm of his beloved ship. He looked up and saw Tosh, her arms spread out as she leaned carefully against the guardrails of the Crow’s Nest. She was doing her impression of a bird in flight. He’d asked what bird the first time and she’d replied ‘A Sparrow of course.”

Behind him, Gwen and Gwen were discussing and practising self defence techniques. It was impressive how each woman adapted to methods and weapons from different time periods. Then again, a nightstick and a quarterstaff were mildly related and a guns, in the end, were guns.

First Mate Cooper looked envious. “Twenty shots and reloading in seconds. And i’m stuck with this.”

PC Cooper grinned. “Maybe not for much longer. Your wife has been working on a six barrel especially for you. It’s basically a rifle with six pistol chambers that can be swapped around. Still ages to load but six shots to start with.”

* * *

“Sontar Ha! Sontar Ha! Sontar Ha”

* * *

Will Turner shook Willem Vand Der Decken hand smiling victoriously. This time when the ‘Flying Dutchman started her cursed journey, she would be neither affected vessel whilst remaining the same ship. The time stream would hopefully eject them and then they could resume more normal lives.

(And if any readers think that’s a cop out, how many times has the Doctor landed in the Tardis next to the Doctor in the Tardis, just go watch the anniversary specials.)

 

* * *

Still pursuing, never faltering and still on his incredibly fuel efficient jet ski, General Cheef could practically smell his quarry. He no longer needed any prompting with directions. He instinctively knew the route.

“Sontar Ha! Sontar Ha! Sontar Ha!”

 

* * *

With First Mate Cooper at the helm, the other three took counsel below deck. Having used their considerable experience, resources and fairly good minds, Jack, Gwen, Jack and Tosh were putting the pieces together.

Captain Jack Sparrow sighed. “ So two cursed ships, two cursed captains, one of whom I know, a mr Will Turner and I will gladly help on the proviso that it doesn’t cause me any trouble.”

Tosh looked at him and shook her head. “That would be nice for you but you two Jacks are at the centre of all this.You have to pull the threads of time into one location.”

Captain Jack Harkness nodded, his trenchcoat packed away. He now wore seventeenth century clothing, and couldn’t care less that it was one of First Mate Cooper’s spares. He made it look good anyway. Looking up, he said, “Yeah, that kind of thing happens to me too, still running into you past and future selves makes for an interesting night.

Gwen pursed her lips, ‘The big question is, can we rescue them?”

“That,’ said Captain Jack Harkness, ‘is a question I intend to make ‘yes’ the answer to.”

 

* * *

“Sontar Ha! Sontar Ha! Sontar Ha!”

* * *

Ianto Jones was watching the monitors like a hawk, waiting for the moment to direct rift power. 

Sally Sparrow at his side, her expression grim. “Let me get this absolutely right, mr Jones, everyone except me is now unfixed in time and could ‘jump’ at at any moment?”

“Yes.”

“And this is because you all have temporal counterparts or in the case of the captains it’s, and I quote; ‘buggering about in time with Vortex Manipulators’.

“Pretty much bang on. The longer or more energetic the contact and/or proximity the sooner the temporal shift.”

“Then considering I’m a Sparrow, why am I so far down the list?”

“You’re related, not pretty much the same person like the rest of us. Not only that but you seem to have some residual resistance from somewhere.”

Sally nearly blinked as she realised what it must be. “The Doctor and the Tardis. When I sent the box back to him, it locked the angels and we were all exposed to her dematerialisation field.”

Ianto smiled. “Now you get it. So, to recap, the owens will go first, followed by Tosh.a little later. Roger will fade, followed finally, by myself. At that point you will be our only hope of retrieval, and pretty much the only hope of saving the entirety of Torchwood Three.”

Sally returned his smile. “No pressure then.”

 

* * *

“Sontar Ha! Sontar Ha! Sontar Ha!”

* * *

“Storm warning!” First Mate Cooper called out as the waves grew in size and the Black Pearl pitched from side to side. “And I can smell lightning coming.”

PC Cooper looked at her boss and gritted her teeth. “If a bolt hits one of us..”

“The ship is guarded against it but it’s not entirely foolproof. But i can increase our protection.”

Jack Harkness snapped his eyes to hers, curious. “That gives me an idea.”

Gwen sighed. “And what harebrained scheme have you come up this time?”

“My Vortex Manipulator needs recharging, and what is lightning at its basic level?”

Gwen gave him the LOOK. “Jack Harkness, if and when you get the recharge, and this ship hits eighty eight bloody miles an hour and ends up in 1955, you are going to be in a lot of trouble.”

Jack Harkness too his leave and head up. The sooner he completed this task, the fewer times everyone else would think he was making them bacon for lunch.

 

* * *

“Sontar Ha! Sontar Ha!”

* * *

 

The first two alarms at the Torchwood hub sounded and Ianto and Sally shared a look. Ianto hit the comms to the trio upstairs. Tosh’ voice sounded faint as she reported the fading of both Owens, her own voice trailing away as she spoke.

Sally rolled her shoulders and started typing the command codes Ianto had taught her, half expecting both Ianto and Roger to blink out of existence. 

‘Well, she thought, ‘it won’t be the first time I’ve ended up having to rescue the so called professionals will it now?’

* * *

General Cheef stopped chanting, for he needed all his strength to hold this terrain machine on course as he spotted his prey and fought his way through the storm towards the Black Pearl

“I have you now.”

* * *

Waves boomed as First Mate Cooper held the ship on an intercept course. That course was straight towards the other ensorceled vessel, the now one and only ‘Flying Dutchman.’ She was about to call out when Captain Jack Sparrow called out.

“WIll Turner! Willem Van Der Decken! This is a rescue!”

The spectral figures turned from the bridge and stared. Van Der Decken looked at his partner “Is he serious?”

Across the waves,Will Turner nodded slowly. “Coming from anyone else.. The question is, who is he referring to when he says it’s a rescue, does he mean us or him?”

Captain Jack Sparrow knew he had to act. Had Will Turner known that, he would have realised that the answer to his question was ‘both’.

A lightning bolt illuminated the Black Pearl’s mainmast and a cry of ‘Great Scott, it’s charged to 1.21 gigawatts!”

Two Spectral figures were suddenly staring at Captain Jack Harkness as immediately following that cry, he leapt to the other ship, using the tilt of the Black Pearl’s Mast to aid him. He landed and rolled with the impact. 

Will Turner stared at the strange new arrival and asked, “Who are you?”

The American beamed at him and bowed, “Hi, I’m Captain Jack, pleased to meet you.”

Will Turner had fought undead pirates, barely survived the Kraken, seen the sea goddess Calypso and been cursed by Davy Jones. But it was the idea that there was more than one captain Jack that truly horrified him.

 

* * *

General Cheef gave one last grunt as he boarded the Black Pearl and looked around for his quarry… And saw them across the water on another ship. He backed up and calculated his odds of making the leap. Then in true Sontaran fashion he ignored the odds and made his leap.

 

* * *

Ianto Jones realised that he was literally now on borrowed time as the next casualty occurred. 

Sally saw his expression and said simply, ‘Roger the cabin boy.”

“Not any more,’ Ianto replied calmly. The worst part of it was that the answer in grand Torchwood tradition could be taken either way. “Transferring all command protocols… Now.”

Sally responded by entering all her own necessary commands and uttered the code phrase. “This is Sally Sparrow, taking command of Torchwood Three… Now.”

 

* * *

General Cheef hit the deck of the Flying Dutchman with a heavy thud causing the four captains to turn their attention to him.

“You are all now prisoners of the Sontaran Empire! Captain Jack Sparrow, your attempt to look American and once more try to throw me off the scent by wearing female clothing has failed.”

Jack Harkness shrugged. The irritating little spud was partially right for once. He sat down as he said, ‘Men’s clothing, women’s clothing, I forget how to tell the difference. I suppose I’m too busy getting said clothing off everyone around me…”

“The prisoner will be silent!”

Captain Jack Sparrow cocked an eyebrow. If they had all been taken prisoner, then he had a plan. First though, he sat with his hands in surrender.

Willem Van der Decken opened his mouth to argue the point, fairly sure that being undead would render him highly resistant to anything this invader could do. However, Will Turner was much faster of thought and shot the other captain a look that made him stop.

“Parley, Kaiser Cheef.”

The Sontaran General glared at his captive. “It is General and-”

“Sorry General but you took over the ship, so you’re its captain too.”

The impertinence of this pirate amused general Cheef. Three hundred years, thousands of miles had left him less bothered about procedure. “Very well fool, since you insist on vexing me.. We shall fight single combat for command of this ship. Put up your fists!”

Captain Jack Sparrow gulped. This wasn’t quite going to plan. “Are you sure you don’t actually want to incinerate me with that lightning gun of yours?”

“Ha! Your ploy to avoid my long drawn out pummelling of you to a bloody pulp, and instead have an immediate and painless dea-.... Wait a minute...” Not even someone as addled as General Cheef would make that mistake. He raised his gun in the end and pulled the trigger…

* * *

 

Sally Sparrow tensed as Ianto Jones became translucent. They shared a glance as they both realised what this meant. She had little time to comment though, as a recorded announcement the now familiar tones of Captain Jack Harkness.

It blared out, “This is Jack Harkness, officer commanding of Torchwood Three. If you are hearing this message, then there is a temporal schism in force that has somehow dissolved or incapacitated the Torchwood team. In the event that this occurrence cannot be reversed, command of this base passes to you permanently.”

As Ianto Jones took a farewell bow, Sally pondered the message. She would stay in charge and control if she couldn’t rescue them. She would be Torchwood. She let that sink in and then she went to work with a vengeance. 

Never before had anyone in the history of Torchwood been so bloody mindedly determined to rescue their teammates.

* * *

General Cheef looked at his treacherous blaster. Across from him letting out a deep breath of relief, Captain Jack Sparrow drew his sword and grinned. “Looks like I have the advantage now mate.”

Will turner grinned at his old acquaintance and then drew his own sword causing captain Jack Sparrow to smile wider. But the smile faded from his face as he watched Will reverse his sword and present it to the Sontaran warrior.

“Whose side are you on?” Jack Sparrow asked Will Turner.

“Mine.”

“And now you die by my blade!” said General Cheef

“My lord general, captain and captor, a traditional cry of great honour would be ‘by the only sword of the captain of this Vessel, The Flying Dutchman’ I. challenge you!”

Jack Sparrow sighed as he addressed Will Turner, “You’ve pulled a fast one on me, led me right through the riptides and dropped me right in it. I don’t rightly know whether to be naffed off at you or proud.”

Will Turner grinned. “Go with both.”

 

*

“PC Cooper, get ready to receive passengers. Tosh, do something about ours ails before we lose them to this storm!” First Mate Cooper wasn’t exactly sure where the voice telling her what was going to happen next and how to change it was coming from but she was smart enough to heed it.

Sally Sparrow relaxed once she realised that the pirate woman could hear her after all. Had she known it she was typing at a speed that only Donna Noble could have beaten, but thankfully for her she’d never met the fastest temp in Chiswick..

*

Back aboard the Pearl, Tosh dared the wind and swung down to to the bottom of the mainsail, finding that it was coming loose. Resecuring it she smiled. The weather was against her, her captain was being forced to duel some weird creature from the stars after, having being dropped right in it by his former protege, Will Turner, the son of a man indentured to Davy Jones and now an undead pirate in his own right.

It must be Tuesday, she thought.

*

Gwen Cooper was swearing fluently in both English and Welsh. She was out of her time, out of her depth, out of resources and her boss was out of his mind. Basically, things were going pretty normally for her.

A bolt of lightning hit the Crow’s Nest and Tosh was suddenly very glad that she had moved. Had she known it, back in the future, Sally Sparrow was smiling knowingly. 

*

General Cheef had taken the sword and lunged at captain Jack Sparrow, who had countered by sidestepping deftly and starting to ascend The Flying Dutchman’s mainmast. 

“Get back down here and fight like real a captain,” Said General Cheef.

“If you’re that good, come and get me. Or can’t you climb rigging?” Captain Jack Sparrow added a raspberry for good measure. He smiled when he saw the warrior grab the rigging and start after him.

All but forgotten by the general, The two undead captains of The Flying Dutchman carefully but quickly made their way to their, Helm where they could see The Helmswoman of the Black Pearl.

*

First Mate Cooper saw them and shouted even before they spoke, ‘Permission to come aboard granted.”

Will Turner gestured for Van Der Decken to go first and the Dutchman practically flew over. Will waited briefly timing his own escape. Then he jumped catching on to the familiar side of the Black Pearl.

PC Cooper met them as they went below decks. “Will Turner and Willem Van Der Decken I presume?”

“Weren’t you just upstairs?” a mildly confused Will Turner asked.

“Blame Captain Jack.” She replied.

“Which one?” Will Turner asked.

Gwen just smiled at him.

“Yours as well?” Will said.

*

Above deck the First Mate Wrenched the wheel hard fighting the storm in order to keep both ships close together. Both she and ensign Tosh were soaked wet through but it should be over soon. She grinned like a madwoman. Then again, she was currently captaining the Black Pearl and everyone who’d had that job before her had been crazy.

It was then that a bolt of weird lightning struck in front of her, sending her flying backwards. A shimmering curtain of light enveloped the deck and although Gwen was unhurt and rolled to her feet, she was unable to step through the wall of light.

“Tosh! What’s going on?”

Tosh hopped down beside her and gazed intently at it. “Looks like time stuff is happening.”

“I take it that’s the shortest explanation.”

“Almost.”

“Oh?”

“Torchwood.”

* * *

Sally Sp arrow was grinning like a maniac. Her theory had proven right that the Black Pearl and Captain JackSparrow were inextricably linked. Wires ran railed all over the place in the hub and her head stood straight up, energy from a storm from centuries past making it so.

She had in her hands the holographic display of the Black Pearl’s Wheel and was controlling it. The real one that first Mate Cooper had recently been removed from responded to her movements in perfect synchronicity.

“Yo Ho Ho!” sang Captain Sally Jacqueline Sparrow, in one of the rare times she bothered using her full name.

* * *

Captain Jack Sparrow barely dodged as general Cheef lunged at him again near the top of the mast. There was no room left to maneuver and the Sontaran had a big smile as he moved in for the kill,

Then Captain Jack Sparrow gave his own smile and tugging a rope free and fell backward swinging down to the deck. As he did so he wrenched the rope free to deny General Cheef.the same option. This gained the pirate-

“Sontar Ha!” 

-absolutely no time at all as General Cheef simply chose to leap straight down. He landed with a massive thud. He lunged out with his sword and it have gone badly for the pirate had the flooring not decided that this one test too many and given way. 

Quite a large hole appeared in the floor and Captain Jack Harkness tumbled down too, coming to a stop by landing on General Cheef.

“Get your hand away from my Probic Vent! Terran scum!”

“That’s not my hands.”

General Cheef blinked. The dossier on captain Jack Harkness flashed through his mind and he then remembered something.

*

PC Gwen Cooper and Will turner gave each other a knowing look as a scream of outrage cut through the storm.

“Captain Jack,’ said one of them.

“Yours or mine?” asked the other.

“Does it matter?” responded the first.

“I suppose not.” Was the reply.

*

Back on the Dutchman, Captain Jack Sparrow ducked as General Cheef threw Captain Jack Harkness at him. The Time traveller looked at the pirate and said ‘tag, you’re it.”

“Thanks a bullion matey.” He grasped the American as it then seemed like he’d had an idea. The american was curious for just as long it took him to realise he’d been had when Captain Jack Sparrow said, ‘Tag right back at you mate.”

He kicked the American between the legs and dropped him his sword. “I hereby retire from pirating like a weaselly little scallywag and bequeath you my sword and ship and claim to The Flying Dutchman.”

With that, Captain Jack Sparrow leapt from ship to ship and tucked and rolled.to his feet with a flourish. He was about to give the order to cast off, when Captain Jack Harkness shouted out as he recovered, looking over to the Black Pearl, “Gwen, you’ve got to get back!”

“Back where Jack?” Gwen shouted back.

“Back to the future!”

Right, thought Gwen, just for that he can make his own sodding way home.

*

General Cheef stood proudly. It was finally time for him to face off against the Crossdressing transvestite time travelling American arsehole.

Captain Jack Harkness knew this and had an alternative plan… which he ditched as he noticed the Black Pearl pulling away, taking advantage of the tall waves to accelerate each time.

“Balls.” he said.”

 

* * *

Sally Sparrow cackled as she manipulated the temporal rift. She’d heard Captain Jack Harkness mention gigawatts so she was monitoring the speed of the Black Pearl. It was going to funny to see his reaction when the vessel reached around seventy six and and point four-six knots…

*

Sort of meanwhile, the very same Captain Jack Harkness being repeatedly punched in the face by General Cheef. The usual method of stopping him briefly was to lean in for a kiss. He discovered the only tactic in the universe that could make a Sontaran retreat.

*

Captain Jack Sparrow blinked. Was it his imagination or was his ship still getting faster… 

*

“Hang on for your lives everyone!” Yelled Tosh. ‘Geotemporal discharge due to vortexically manipulated enhanced accelerative evasion protocols in effect!”

*

PC Gwen Cooper of the twenty first century, whilst belatedly wondering if this was the origin of the euphemism, ‘A load of Tosh’ was slightly concerned that she mostly understood what it meant. If she was honest with herself though, Tosh had her at ‘Hang on.’

*

First Mate Gwen Cooper usually enjoyed a load of Tosh, especially in conjunction with ‘hanging on’. Hanging on to a ship’s mast was a poor substitute.

Then it happened. The ship lurched and streaked away at seventy six point four and a bit knots, disappearing from this time and reappearing in Cardiff Bay, coming to a halt with a great big icy splash, drenching everyone on the quayside.

Well, that confirms we’re back, thought PC Gwen Cooper, as she heard a chorus of ‘Torchwood Gwaedlyd’.

*

Elsewhen Captain Jack Harkness groaned and put his hands over his face as he watched the disappearance. He saw the resultant fiery skidmarks that were somehow left behind and defied the ocean’s own attempts to extinguish them. The only clue that there had ever been a sailing vessel there was a slowly spinning name plate.

 

*

Back at Torchwood Three, Sally Sparrow punched the air in victory and did a little dance as she dropped the ship in the bay after realising just in time (heh) that she had to alter some coordinates. If she hadn’t, the Black Pearl would have been in her way cluttering up the hub… then again a Pterodactyl would have made a better pirate mascot than a parrot…

* * *

General Cheef glared at Captain Jack Harkness. “Just you and I now freak!”

“Nobody calls me that!” 

When General Cheef came to he found himself all alone on The Flying Dutchman and braced himself. He felt the vessel’s presence and absorbed her history and curse. He would yet catch his quarry but in order to get there he would have to beat the curse, travel through even more time, break free of the Time Lords, which would mean breaking the lock on the Time War itself, then resuming Hot pursuit.

Not since Sheriff Buford T. Justice had chased the Bandit, had there been such determined pursuit and abuse of pursuit vehicles.

 

* * *

After a lot of people had returned, Captain Jack Harkness being the last to do so, Sally Sparrow looked at her current boss. “What happened with you then?”

“Long story’ he began and Sally raised an eyebrow as Captain Jack Harkness cracked his knuckles and continued, ‘ It all started-”

He suddenly went glassy eyed and slumped to the floor as Sally heard glass break. Standing there watching all the rum trickle away was Captain Jack Sparrow, holding the jagged edge of the sacrificed bottle. 

“So that’s why the Rum’s gone,’ said his first mate, walking up to him.

Looking down at the silent figure at his feet, and the last of the rum, the pirate shrugged. Worth it he thought.

 

* * *

Epilogue

 

 

The clear up from the party that had the combined hedonism of the Ocean goers and the time travellers was finished. and everyone was making their goodbyes. Sally had left a letter and had disappeared whilst just about everyone else was asleep, along with one of the bottles of rum.

Outside, The two captains stood, side by side, looking over Cardiff Bay from the roof of the newly built Torchwood Auxiliary Research Department, Internationally Secured.

Jack Sparrow's tooth glinted in the early morning sun and he looked almost serious. “Sally will be fine right? You'll look after her?”

Jack Harkness nodded, “She's on the Torchwood register of protected personnel, and UNIT's too. Anyway, time to get you home. This is Captain Jack signing off.”

The pirate nodded and simply said this time “Captain.”

The American nodded and replied just as simply. “Captain.”

When the sun rose on Cardiff that day, it was greeted by a trenchcoat wearing American on the roof of a new building, looking over the city for which he was now the guardian angel once more.


End file.
